negotiating with my confusion (the voices in my head won't keep quiet damn it!)

It's been a while but...

2007-09-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

to those very very few that still visit this place in vain, I thank you and salute you for you are indeed the most devoted of followers. I've been tied up with oh so very much over the last year and shelved blogging much as I didn't intend to. Fortunately for me, the dust has settled and with the quietening over in my life, I have been left with with more time to ponder over useless facts and events. Indeed ladies and gents, I have been smitten by the writing bug yet again, and after doodling short write ups in my notebook I decided to reboot my forray into the blogosphere...

but before you start mentally high fiving me I'd like to inform you of some changes. This is officially my last post on this blog after which I am abandoning it, much like I did my 6 year old jeans last week.

However I will be kicking off an exciting new blog - http://scalingthewall.typepad.com/

It will be a very different kind of blog, chronicling my new life on wall street and (hint hint) how I'm tackling the bulls and bears of life. Unlike this blog, I intend to be far more regular and far less emo. I'm not sure what exactly I'll be writing about, but most probably it'll be about wall street, finance, business, technology, life and it's host of peculiarities not to mention current events ranging from britney to baghdad to basketball to bearingpoint.

Alright then, I'll see you there!

Cheers,

o_d

2006-09-24T00:46:00.000-07:00

grad school is tedious. bah.

random things heard on street corner

2006-08-02T14:31:00.000-07:00

As I trudged towards chipotle in the sweltering heat to get myself a massive post- lunch- coma- like- sleep- inducing burrito, I saw a lady walk down the street communicating in an animated fashion into her cellphone. Suddenly in a most sagely way she asked the person at the other end, "wait... why are you talking to me on the cell phone while you're swimming?"

...lol

2006-08-02T09:23:00.000-07:00

DJ Tiesto's last few mix tapes have been disappointing and just as I'd written him off, a colleague of mine introduced me to Tiesto's latest offering In Search of Sunrise Vol.5:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000EGDBUQ/102-7788406-5191330?v=glance&n=5174
It's a 2 disc album. The first disc is a mix tape with pretty much music to chill out on, and trust me people - it doesn't disappoint! Great for chillin' on weeknights.
However, ladies and gentlemen. It's the second disc that totally blows your fuckin' mind away. Trance in it's purest form. It's an album designed for summer night parties with strong club beats. Tiesto has experiemented with progressive trance and it worked for him. Overall I'd give ISOS5 a 4/5. Check it out folks!

2006-07-20T16:10:00.000-07:00

today i heard "Run away" by the Real McCoy after like 5 years or something. Memories of 1995...

I rest my case

2006-07-19T09:14:00.000-07:00

This blog summarizes exactly what I meant by Wall Street's reaction to the Indian government's decision to ban blogs:

http://www.informationarbitrage.com/2006/07/et_tu_india_.html

2006-07-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

Today I found myself in the most awkward position at work, defending India's honor due to the government's absolutely stupid move to block blogs on Indian bandwidth : http://www.hindu.com/thehindu/holnus/002200607181922.htm

Not only do I whole heartedly disagree with the DoT's decision, I question the government's commitment to honoring our pledge for democracy. Freedom of speech is the fundamental foundation and more importantly birth right of every human born in a democracy. The government meddling with a set of rules supposedly immune from tampering, leaves me a tad concerned with Indian policy makers and their minions.

How dare they block a medium of thought? This is why time and again George Orwell's 1984 scares the crap out of me. The largest powers in the world are slowly moving towards Big brotherdom. Claiming that terrorists carry out their propoganda through blogs and hence they should be blocked borders on retarded. Terrorists can use phones, instant messaging, email, websites, message boards, news fliers, and a loud mouth to spread their words. Are we going to block all of this? Furthur more, blocking specific blogging services like blogspot and typepad is really silly because hey, they can get around this! Just get your own proxy.

Back to my rant - wall street is keenly watching India. She is like a rising star and all eyes are on her. While the praises are lavish, every mistake brings on scathing criticism. Today's accusations over the blocked blogging issues have dealt almost wholely on double standards, hypocrisy, designer democracy and such. While I strongly denounce the government's actions, sometimes I get the feeling that I am an ambassador for India at my company having to be politcally correct so that my colleagues don't get a wrong idea about India. Tough call. I need a beer. Mmmmm, beer...

2006-07-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

So I check my portfolio this morning and see that Infosys (NASDAQ:INFY) has dropped 44.14% overnight! Are you fuckin' kidding me?! Oddly enough, all the news on the BSE indicates that Infy is booming or atleast a good buy. Glitch? Or long expected?

2006-07-04T15:51:00.000-07:00

Thank you Seattle. We love you.

Rules of life

2006-06-27T09:44:00.000-07:00

Something I found online -

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Hmmm. I never paid any respect to the "rules" growing up. I lived in my own idealistic world of make believe, determined that I was different. Today, as I inch closer to 25, I finally "get it".

2006-06-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

I've faced it, a life wasted
I'm never going back again
Having tasted, a life wasted
I'm never going back again
I escaped it, a life wasted
I'm never going back again

- Pearl Jam

Legal policies - Proof that lawyers indeed have a sense of humor

2006-06-18T18:11:00.000-07:00

Excerpt from my laptop's warranty statement:

" (Company name) does not cover product issus caused by any other reason, including but not limited to product issues due to commercial use, acts of God, misuse, limitations of technology, or..." WHOA WHOA back that up a sec - "acts of God" ?! what is going on here! I understand that the world has a larger supply of religious nut jobs than the demands of humanity, but this is TOO MUCH.

2006-06-12T14:51:00.000-07:00

ahhhhhhh to chuck it all, fuck it all and... travel. Peru anyone?

2006-06-01T19:01:00.000-07:00

it's there. right there. dangling infront of your face. you can almost touch it.almost. chase it. run as far as your legs can carry you. the whole world is watching you, sneering. you're a star, the solution you're told. lies. your intellect raped, your life made a commodity. you're a renewal source of energy, that's what you are. dollared and starbucked wear your pinstripes proud. we are the lost generation. run children... just make sure your laces are tied.

These days

2006-05-31T14:07:00.000-07:00

These days have never been harder nor have they been easier
These days have never been tougher on the soul nor have they been so uplifting
These days lady luck ain't a comin' knockin' yet she sleeps in my bed
These days I'm worried over the future yet so giddy with anticipation over the possibilities
These days friends come and go, the bullshit stays the same
These days are self-centered, deadlined and dollared yet...
These days are the best days of my life.

In the words of Eddie Vedder in Corduroy- "Everything has changed, absolutely nothing's changed".

A great way to listen to music

2006-05-09T00:11:00.000-07:00

*Disclaimer - I'm not intending to come off as an "advertisement" but the subject on which I'm going to discuss has left me feeling very appreciative. In short for the verbally challenged reading this - I'm not being neutral here.at all.*

There's this great site for listening to music called www.pandora.com - it's been around for a while, but I never really used it. I have to say though, the more I use it the more I'm impressed with it. Pattern matching algorithms and music has never been sexier. Way superior to other pattern matching music stations. It's usually quite spot on within a couple of songs. What I like most about pandora is that it doesn't play common top 40 numbers much. Most of the time, it plays obscure artists, and really helps with the whole broadening your musical horizon experience.

Going into the "technicalities" of this website (one of the things I really enjoy doing is evaluating UI designs. I dunno, it's something I picked up at UBC, and these days I do it almost involuntarily) I have to say, this site is a beauty.
Apparently there's been a heavy mac influence with the player resembling the polished steel finish of quick player. The registration process is very painless. enter your email address as your user id and give a password. Thats it.

Their interactive process is very appealing and I find that they keep the user suitably engaged. Textbook UI Designing in my opinion. I think they used Liatt's law (which for the unintiated is used to calculate the optimum spacing between "buttons" on a human-computer interactive device)! They have this cool option called "why are we playing this" (obscure) track which gives a pretty fascinating description of YOUR musical tastes. I found out things about me I didn't know. lol

The more I tinker with it, the cooler it gets. Unfortunately, coz of copyright laws, this service is available only in the US (as of now). Hope you guys get to check it out!

miss home

2006-05-06T18:41:00.000-07:00

Today has been a nostalgic day. perhaps it's the strong memories of Vellore attached to pink floyd, pearl jam and ofcourse that good ol anthem sweet child o' mine that I've been listening to. Calling all the sons (and daughters) of the soil back to the glory days of the batch of '03. Like a messiah. I mean don't get me wrong, things have been looking up for me despite a few setbacks here and there, however for the most part - things look good.

Despite it all, I miss almost long for the carefree days encompassed between August 1999 and May 2003. Weird. I wanted to get out of that "prison" so badly back then. Yet I miss it now. I don't think I can ever go through those 4 years again now, but still miss em.

That brought me to another question - I miss "home". But what is home? I've never lived in one place long enough for me to really get attached to it. I've gone from cannibal island nation (Papua New Guinea) to igloo land (Toronto,Canada) to mylapore (a world within itself) to vellore prison to Vancouver, BC (where the only thing that outnumbers trees are starbucks ) to the armpit of america (NJ).

I look Indian and eat like a pattar, I love India, yet I love Canada just as much. My nationality is Canadian, but I'm living outside New York. I doubt I'd want to go live in India or Canada anytime soon, but I don't see myself making New York my "home" either. I mean I love this city, and honestly, I've never felt so alive as I am in this place but I dunno, we'll jus have to see. Don't find myself wanting to live anywhere in the US outside the new york area either. Given such a predicament, will I ever "root" myself or am I a perpetual vagabond? Destined to globe hop for the rest of my life.

So given the circumstances, it's funny that I miss "home". I thought about it and I realised for me home isn't about the place anymore. The whole world is my home. My home is where I can kick back and relax and be a kid once again, tossing responsibility away for a while.A place where I wont be under constant scrutiny, being evaluated. Where it's ok to not be #1 all the time and a place where I can let my guard down. I realised that my parents' apartment in Mandaveli is home. If they ever move somewhere else, that'll be my new home. So yeah, I miss my parents.

Can't wait till December when I can go "home" for a few weeks. Life has been horribly stressful and there's nothing more I want than to just kick back and relax for a few weeks without a damn care in the world. Oh, I'm also planning on going to Goa when I get to India. Hope it pans out.

my theme song

2006-03-03T11:34:00.000-08:00

I've paid my dues -
Time after time -
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I've come through
We are the champions -
my friends And we'll keep on fighting -
till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers 'Cause we are the champions -
of the world -
I've taken my bows And my curtain calls -
You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it -
I thank you all -
But it's been no bed of roses No pleasure cruise -
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I ain't gonna lose -
We are the champions -
my friends And we'll keep on fighting -
till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions No time for losers 'Cause we are the champions -
of the world -

- We are the champions, Queen

Rest in Peace Freddie. Cheers!

Sometimes we need a good kick in the balls to inspire ourselves - that or a good fuck. Getting a break helps too.

2005-12-10T13:11:00.000-08:00

So tired that I'm hallucinating. Run man run.

orange crow

2005-12-08T21:23:00.000-08:00

stand listless
listening in silence
peeping moon, pale halo
tree tops, wind and my mind
searching for the q not the a

smile... the orange crow sings

- revelations at 12:04 am on a cold night somewhere in western suburbia

In flight entertainment - Live!

2005-10-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting on the PATH at 11:oo pm, half heartedly ruminating over a working business model for one of my classes when the train pulls into Journal Square (quite arguably the arm pit of New Jersey. Wait, Newark is. Ah well, one is the left and the other is the right armpit.) This cohort of sky blue uniformed healthcare workers/nurses hop on guffawing, hooting and generally being hooliganish shaking a railway car full of demure and half sleepy occupants out of their reverie. This is actually an everyday thing. Once the train pulls into jsq we usually get a zoo heading to Newark. The jolt wore off quickly and me and the rest of the car had no choice but to pay attention to this highly animated conversation between this male nurse and this female nurse. It went something like this:

zoo animals rumble in

she: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO
he: SHUT UP! KEEP YO BIG ASS MOUTH SHUT
she: hey everybody! he has herpes!
he: yeah well I got it from you!
she: hey I ain't yo momma
he: hell no you ain't. Your ass is twice the size of my mother.
she:Your ass is the size of this train
he: (sniffs her) woooo, you stink like the train.
she: atleast I don't have hiv like you fool
he: I might have hiv but I still look better than yo stinky ass.

nurse posse laugh, other occupants stare dumbfounded.

she: (turns to spectators) all those who have genital warts say heyyy
he: heyyy
she:you've got some shit alot worse than warts.
he:maybe but you got syphilis from your grandfather

nurse posse and a few spectators laugh

she: (punches him in the arm and laughs)
he: somebody's feeling embarrased!!!
she: NO I'M NOT
he: no, I'm talking about him (pointing to skinny chinese nurse dude standing in corner)

note: I've never seen a chinese male nurse before. ever. doctor yes, but nurse never.

chinese nurse dude: tells him to shut up and laughs at the floor. (nurse posse and more spectators laugh. I smile)
he: (to she) why are you hopping around like that? If you gotta pee, the bathroom is there (points to exit).
she: ha ha, you think I'm dumb right?
he: yes

cute mexican nurse: vanessa you're losing, might as well keep quiet.
she: HELL NO!
he: (gives smug look) loser.
she: you suck penis!
he: so do you!
she: you do it for money!
he: you do it for a bag of chips!!!

everyone starts laughing now. That was really funny

And so it went, and so we occupants and nurses joined forces and laughed, wide awake now, silence obliterated. My stop came, and oddly I was disappointed that I had to get off after that entertaining conversation. A few of the nurses (including the guy and cute mexican nurse) got off at my stop, and "he" kissed "she" goodnight, said he loved her and that he'd call her when he got him (?). Ah yes, love is truly bizarre. I hope they get on tomorrow.

The H in Harvard stands for Hypocrisy

2005-03-25T15:02:00.000-08:00

I read this article recently about this student at harvard university. He is a sophomore and he has his own room cleaning business called Dormaid. He and his team cleans the rooms of all those lazy students who can afford to get others to clean their rooms for them. It's an impressive idea that reflects on the entrepreneurial capabilities that Harvard students are associated with.What's more impressive is the fact that the student is pulling in an annual turnover of $350,000 (USD) and is able to pay his own tuition fees. He is so successful that he is planning to expand his services to other universities by forming partnerships (his buddies at other universities basically).A student with such business acumen should be encouraged and commended for his efforts. Yet, as it has always been the case - harvard is the seat of hypocrisy. The Harvard student newspaper The Harvard Crimson has called for a mass boycott of Michael E.Kopko's services stating that his business creates socioeconomic differences between the "haves" and the "have nots". I think this isn't fair at all to the student involved. Harvard should encourage such entrepreneurial students. Not break them like this. He is taking his own efforts to earn money in a very legitimate fashion. Harvard argues that many students would not be able to afford the service there by creating a rift in the student body. But then really... is life that fair? Armani wasn't asked to close down because he couldn't cater to everyone. It's something that must be accepted in living within a capitalistic society. There is no equality. Everything comes from your own effort. You are free to make your own choices. If he were to make money without hurting anyone then why should Harvard make a fuss? That too coming from an institution well known for it's ways. Many a case has been reported of Harvard making "exceptions" while granting admission to students from wealthy donors or those with a history at Harvard. So really... what's the deal?Such events can be taken to a much broader level. A good majority of the world dislike or distrust america. Once again a case of the have's versus the have nots. I live in Canada. A country which dislikes and distrusts america quite a bit. Why is this so? Because america has it all and canada doesn't. America is arrogant and decietful in their actions. But that is a result of being drunk on power. Yet, you cannot blame america for their ways. They slogged it out and by hook or crook became a very wealthy nation. There is no use blaming america for their actions. Throughout history no super power has been placid and docile. Not the romans, greeks, ottomans, nor british. No one. So why expect anything different from america? Those who are have nots will always complain and despise those who have. Sometimes they will sit and do nothing to become one of the haves yet complain quite passionately about how "unfair" the haves are.Coming back to Harvard, by crushing a students business by saying that it doesn't cater to everyone, I think it's a terrible way to kill a person's faith in hardwork and originality. Personally I would like to use my business skills to earn my money. However, I would also like to use a bit of my money to help people whenever I can. This is my personal choice. That doesn't mean everyone has to comply with my philosophy. If it's legal, if it doesn't hurt anybody, then it's fine. Rest of the people should seriously do some introspection.

roomie crib

2005-03-18T10:52:00.000-08:00

sometimes it really is a hassle having room mates. especially canadian ones. there is this particular guy that i'd like to mention here. Mark (name changed) is a pretty nice guy though he can be pretty selfish and a tad ruthless at times. and so in order to have a good relationship with the guy I make it a point not to piss him off. But last night he crossed the limit.

I came home from school at around 10:30 and I see this dude with a "ladyfriend" sitting on the living room couch. Nothing wrong with that really. It just struck me as odd because he never ever sits on the couch. He is a prissy one and is always out or in his room. So I go to my room and I'm there for about 40 minutes before heading out again. As I go down the stairs I see these two having sex on the damn couch. Initially it was a little hard to digest as I just caught a glimpse but I quickly moved on, feeling a tad embarassed.

So I'm thinking, wtf man! why can't you have sex in your own room? why do you have to do it out in the living room?! if it's your own house fine, but you have room mates and c'mon not everybody is comfortable with such overt displays of sexuality. My next immediate concern was how many other times has he done this? I sit on the couch every now and then and watch a bit of tv. The very thought grosses me out now.

Sigh. oh well... some day i'll have a place of my own.

the road less travelled

2005-02-09T06:38:00.000-08:00

a close friend of mine sent me this poem by robert frost about a man who stood at the intersection of a road. one side was well worn and jaded over the ages. The other was barely touched and looking pristine.

The traveller looked and decided to take the road unused. Many years later as he recounts his tale with a sigh, he says that made all the difference.

That story my friends, furthur confuses the confused mind. Should one strive to be different even if they have their backs up against the wall of society? Or shud one stick to the road well worn? People have been known to show resilience throughout the darkest most difficult times. George Bernard Shaw said " A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable,but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."

It sounds inspiring but is it really? Humans are selfish creatures. Their hapiness is imperative. Can making mistakes be of greater value than leading a relatively hassle free life of comfort with a occasional moments of longing? I don't know. But as I stand at the intersection of life I will tell you one day either with a sigh or a smile - that made all the difference.

freeflowingrandomthoughtsgushingthroughmyhead

2005-01-26T14:46:00.000-08:00

the question is not how but why? 'tis a difficult question. the answer might lead to enlightenment... or atleast an intellectual orgasm. life is unpredictable. there is chaos in order and order in chaos. we walk a thin line. you never know what is thrown up at the start of the day. i've always been a happy go lucky chap but sometimes responsibilty comes when u least expect it. the joys of responsibility.
i'm feeling quite sleepy right now. computational intelligence does that to you. frankly i don't see anything intelligent about computers. i could make fun of them all day and they wouldn't come up with one intelligent scheme to whup my ass. ofcourse, they have their share of fun with their cryptic error messages.
my friend is a guitarist. he used to play in a band back home before he bit the dust and came to the land of the so called brave and free. so i asked him if he is doing something for the republic day celebrations. apparently he is. now like all great rock stars he needs to have a signature right? for people to associate him with. Like axl rose and his stupid kilt. Like bono and his sun glasses. like madonna and her um, nakedness. Well, folks i'll tell you my friend's signature wear.i know you desperately want to know. tch. stop drooling. his signature wear is... half sleeve checked shirt and jeans...... what? you're not excited anymore? you're abusing me? hey! i don't even have a sister! fine i'll tell him to wear leather underwear and a mask.
that was a boring story. ever noticed how gum is really sweet and juicy when u first pop it in your mouth? then it gets all crappy and tastes like scum after half an hour? i think marriage is like that. or is it? which goes back to the question of not how but why?
i need a shave and a haircut. i'm starting to resemble a cave man. or worse. a terrorist. i am also suffering from severe writer's block. i think i shall end this torturous read and go observe the white wall in front of me. it shall be my inspiration.

and i don't think that they'd understand

2005-01-18T17:05:00.000-08:00

i am only human.
i can only do so much.
i can dream.
i can hope.
i can wish... for a better tomorrow

i don't mean to hurt
i'm quite a simple person
i just wish the world would understand
i am only human

opera games

2005-01-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

i just got back from the phantom of the opera... it was a pretty decent musical... except i wasn't quite happy with the way it ended. the phantom had dedicated his whole life to christine... he was totally in love with her and he made her the great singer that she was... he breathed christine... but then there was pretty boy - who noticed her only after she started singing. sure, they were childhood sweethearts and all that but he forgot about her and disappeared. he comes out of nowhere -a rich,handsome, prince like character...
the phantom had an ugly face... and was agressive. he killed for her - literally. but you can't really dislike him. why is love so unfair?

santa monica, habibi and rude street vendors

2005-01-07T17:32:00.000-08:00

so I'm sitting on the plane which is firmly parked on the runway. Fog and rain apparently refuses to alleviate my misery. I'm a smart guy. I book my tickets in such a way that I'm stuck for 15 hours in SeaTac and have just 1 hour between San Fran and LA. Yes, bow down to me.

So anyway, plane eventually takes off - 30 minutes late. Race against time starts. Old lady maintains pace. Asks me interesting questions about Canada - are there airports in Canada? Do they have electricity in Canada? Do you live in an igloo? That sort of intelligent stuff.

So we eventually land. Time to sprint. San Fran airport is HUGE. I get off at gate 23. LA flight from gate 67. Run. Pant. Trip over carry bag. Embarass myself. Continue running and panting.
Reach gate 67. 10 minutes left for take off. Indian uncleji looks at passport.then me. then passport.then me.so on and so forth. a grunt from him occurs. indicating that im good to go. Not so fast. Strip search time. That also finished. Run. 5 minutes left before take off. Yay. Excited. Slavering anticipation. Think about street hockey for some reason. Get on plane.

Eventless flight to LA. awesome. Get down. wait for friends to pick me up. Make 6 phone calls in 10 minute gap trying to locate them in LAX (and you wonder why i got awesome cell phone bill?).

Finally locate friends. Joy. plenty of joy. worth the hassle of getting here i thought. Aarti and meghna hadn't changed at all. same ol' same ol'. Introduction to new friend. Name's Amit. Awesome guy. Perfect drink buddy to discuss music,women, and the universe. And so the 4 of us were united. for a few short days, life was to be happy, carefree and the fun side of america was to be exploited.

We get into the car and the 3 ex-VITians catch up on eachother's stories (or the lack thereof). First stop - santa monica. Santa Monica is like vancouver's granville island. Lotsa street performers, street vendors all over the place. Christmas eve lights. Fun stuff. So we wander aimlessly. I take in the scene. The palm trees. I wanted to see a coconut tree but I couldn't. Feelings of relaxation seep in.

I noticed some things about LA. In Vancouver, a street vendor will politely ask you if you'd like to buy something and if you politely decline, they will smile, wish you a good day... and curse you under their breath. In LA, there is no need for such formalities. Make the person feel cheap 10 metres away from your shop.
-"Hey you guys, aren't you going to atleast buy the ladies a rose on christmas eve?"
-" Uh. no"
-"Hmmm. whatever".

Yes. They make you feel like a million bucks. After walking round a bit more, we decided to go home... and eat yummy sambhar, rasam, and potato curry...with wine - joyous food. and so we stuff our faces (aarti and meghna had made it just for me, so a big thanks to them here!) and head off to habibi's.

Habibi is a hookah parlour where the iranian crowd of LA hangout. It's a UCLA hangout so people from USC are generally not welcome there. They actually have a sign saying "UCLA welcome, USC smc (suck my cock)" or something like that. Welcoming. The rivalry between UCLA and USC seems to be quite big in this city. They rape, plunder and drop manure on eachother's mascots. Stupid kids. Back to the story. Habibi... it was a fascinating place. I've never tried a hookah/shisha before. It was a bit of a challenge to start off with. Partly because our's wasn't working too well. I felt like a wus watching aarti blow copious amounts of tropical fruit flavoured smoke while I managed something weak and pathetic. But I wuldn't give up now would I? No. Ofcourse not. Bwahahahaaa. yes. I finally got it... like 15 minutes before we were about to leave. no, actually much before that, but time seems to come to a halt as we puffed away to glory. We ordered some sicko iranian dish. There were tonnes of gorgeous iranian women there. some shaking their booty. some sitting and watching. then there were some gay type guys. dancing in groups. while there were women just sitting there. so what was I doing you might ask. I was sitting. and puffing away. No, I didn't dance. why? I just didn't. Because im a wimp and I didn't feel like asking the iranian girls to dance... well that wasnt the only reason. I was with my friends there and its kind of rude running away asking random women to dance when you came with friends - that you are meeting after 2 years. So thats that. We left after a couple of hours. back home. I was too tired to go clubbing. SeaTac was still doing a number on me. Went home, and crashed. We were heading to San Diego and warm beaches the next day... what fun. It's snowing in vancouver right now by the way. Depressing.

"and I don't want the world to see me,
coz don't think that they'd understand.
when everything is made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am".

just felt like writing that... it's the story of my life. I'm reading catcher in the rye right now. creepy book. i can relate to it on so many levels.

Sleepless (and mindless) in Seattle

2005-01-03T19:00:00.000-08:00

I've been away from blogland for the last couple of days - actually alot longer than that. That's coz I was busy going round west coast USA. It was an eventful time. lotsa fun, some boredom. sunshine and rain. so gather round children as I tell you my tale from cold, rainy vancouver to the warm beaches of sandiego to the starry eyed LCD madness of las vegas to cold, rainy los angeles. weird. life comes a full circle.

let me start by saying this... someone start a pledge to burn down the seattle international airport. it is a source of great pain for many an overnight passenger. us poor people who cannot afford to take a room in the city are forced to make do with the airport. my flight was to leave for san francisco at 11 the next day and here i was standing at the ticketing counter of the SeaTac (seattle tacoma) airport at 7:30 pm the previous day. So I enter, lug my bag round taking in the dismal view. Disgruntled holiday travellers looking cold and uncomfortable. A nasal voice playing in the background about how sorry they were about some random flight that was going to be delayed by an hour due to fog but wished us happy holidays anyway.

7:33 pm- feeling of apprehension. desire to run away as far as possible. plan to go into seattle.
7:40- put carry on luggage under lock and key and head out.
7:42- drag myself back in coz its raining and left umbrella inside bag.
7:50- finish grumbling about stupid seattle weather and wonder if i forgot something... apparently not.
7:50-8:15 - wait for bus to downtown seattle. rain heavy. wondering why i left vancouver. haul freezing ass back into airport.
8:25-hunger attack. search airport for food. realize there are more rest rooms than restaurants. depressed. look at airport map. see the word "taco bell". get excited. its past the gate in the waiting lounge area. my flight is only at 11 next day, can't do that. depressed. settle for starbucks.
8:35 - got robbed. 11 bucks or something for a tall coffee, slice of cherry pie and an artifical christmas greeting.
8:40- still hungry. look at watch for nth time.
8:44-cute girl smiles. i smile back. decide to be cool and play with cell phone. cell phone bill bites me in the ass 6 days later.
8:47-despertately hoping for company to talk to. for a holiday miracle. nothing happens. santa is
dead.
9:00- see time magazine in news stall. dubya is time person of the year.chuckle. wonder about the state of journalism. strangely go and buy time magazine. realise their marketing tactic. nod in veneration.
9:03-spot cute girl again. desire to go talk. fear of old man and more importantly young man next to her.
9:10-phone starts ringing. beyond happy. it shows missed call from friend in india. depressed.
9:12- muster courage to call friend and worry about cell phone bills later (bad move folks). call. talk. ask to call back.
9:15-9:35 - talk talk talk.
9:35 - boredom. cute girl gone.
9:35-10:35 - read time magazine. laugh. time makes dubya look good. wonder how much went out of republican fund to time. desire to drug myself to sleep.
10:45-3:00 am - toss, turn, wake up with start because of stupid announcement, scratch, ponder, think, wave arms in the air, realise how stupid i am for not bringing a book (well i wanted to travel light), pat handsome dogs sniffing my shoes, pat handsome dogs not sniffing my shoes, walk, buy expensive coffee again, yawn, drift away to sleep, repeat exercise.
3:00 - coffee in tummy gone bad i think. make a rush for one of SeaTac's million rest rooms. Happy they have so many restrooms.
3:30- 7:00am- repeat steps from 10:45 to 3:00 am.
7:00am- brush my teeth and freshen up beside dude who feels the need to clean his sinuses in sink next to me.
7:05- pukish.
7:15 -laughing at desi aunty straight out of kakinada.
7:20-bored. want to use the internet. ask around.
7:30- staff tell me seattle airport is a medieval airport. they believe in disowning technology and that the internet is for wimps. desire to sue SeaTac, starbucks and microsoft for good measure.
7:35-surf net on cell phone. blissfully unaware of roaming charges incurred on international roaming.
7:50-generally start clicking pictures on camera phone.
8:00-realise that i have another 3 hours to go. feel like crying.
8:05- deicde to check in and grab some "real food" in the waiting longe area. decide to stand in queue to get ticket. stupid holiday travellers.
8:10-waiting.
8:16-ok. get ticket.
8:20-apprehensive about security check. scary thoughts about singapore experience come to mind.
8:30- ordered to take shoes,jacket,sweater,coat,anything, everythnig off. empty pockets. disembowel myself. and put everything into container to pass through x-ray machine.
8:40-yay. enter lounge. look around for restaurants. see more rest rooms.
8:45- spot Taco Bell from a distance. *olympic distance running music play in background* approach. see quarter mile queue. disgruntled.
8:46 - pizza hut - ditto.
8:47-burger king - ditto. jesus christ. what is it with holiday travellers? do they get here this early just to eat?! spot lonely pretzel store in distance. approach cautiously.
8:48-yup its empty... coz they charge $5 for a pretzel and a tiny cup of cheese. joy.
8:50-still hungry. proceed towards my lounge. only 2 more hours now...

So waited impatiently, clicking photos and messaging somemore in blissfully ignorant abandon. the time had soon come to board. and so i went and sat and heaved a sigh of relief... till the old lady next to me started talking. but that's a different story. don't worry. my other trip tales were far far better than this :).

reality check

2005-01-01T02:01:00.000-08:00

We fight and fight we do. War seems to be the name of our game.
Children die, corporations splurge - aren't we such a merry bunch of pricks?
Quest for greed, lust for success. Bottomline is all that its about.
It doesn't matter how you achieve, just get it done u stupid lout.

Like cancer it grows, terminal with distaste - the need for money and fame.
The media feeds on it, the people dream of it and we have only u and me to blame.
Can't you see its a great big hoax?
Can hapiness be bottled? I think not. Can it be bought? Are you on pot?

What about darfur? Yeah what about it? How much did u donate today?
I'm a stupid dick. I took my free 50 bucks and spent it on food that went to waste.
What about ethiopia? Yeah what about it? I have nothnig to do with that place. I have more important things on my mind - like figuring out black jack?!

Perhaps, I should worry about things closer to my heart... it shouldn't take a tsunami everytime to give the world a reality check.

peeking

2004-12-21T07:42:00.000-08:00

Eases himself gingerly upon his favourite chair - old and well worn. Places the writing board accross the chair and mumbles to himself...just for a second or three. Takes out his sheets of paper, his parker pen of 17 years - filled with his favourite brill navy blue ink. He fidgets about for a moment as he thinks about what needs to be done. A smile upon his wrinked brow as he hums a barely audible tune. Starts the writing, graceful and neat with his newspaper and filter kaapi by his side.
The little boy watches, peeking and piqued wondering what the lean and withered old man is upto. Looks of innocence, actions so mischevious the little boy watches with glee. It appears funny to him how everyday at 10 after his morning shower and prayers the old man sits down... to write (?!). The boy of 7, feels excited like he's a top secret spy... Til amma comes over and tells the boy to drink his horlicks and go play with the kids outside.
The little boy soon forgets and decides to indulge in a game of street cricket for 3. An hour later he comes, sweaty and beat hungry like lion the grouch.
The boy sees the old man again and decides to ask him "whats are you doing?". But Venky mama says "poi kulichitu vaa" and is distracted in vehement refusals. Slouches the boy disgruntled as he heads towards water and soap... suddenly, a moment of fun causes him to smile and mischevious thoughts seem to fill the mind.
Tip toes the little spy towards the wise one, and gently taps him. Old man turns to his left and then to his right and sees no one there. The boy pats himself on the back, thinks he outsmarted the fox, as he hears "deiiii, enna da panra!". The boy springs up, guffaws galore and the old man hugs him and gives him a toothless kiss. Ruffles his hair and talks so kind. The boys asks him, "what are you doing?", to which the old man says "nothing". Probes the boy till amma gets annoyed. To the land of soap and bubbles it is, for today is a big day. Everyday of the life of a 7 year is big. He will soon forget about the writings at the desk as he has more important things on his mind. But the old man smiles and continues his way, for we should always remember the best.
Many years later, a day to remember... the old man lies on his bed. People are grieving and it's all deceiving as his liver and kidney are giving away. The old man is sedated and everything is a blur, as he mixes the present with the past. He tells the boy no longer a boy, about the days of spyings and writings. The young man smiles now, memories unfold... 'twas really good times. It was a moment to reconnect... it's been many years and life has been weird, sadly no time to spend with the dying. He hugs his amma, and steps outside and wonders, "is it really worth crying?".

...dedicated to my grandpa. we had some good times together.

night swimming

2004-12-17T11:42:00.000-08:00

back against the wall
tidings of shame and fear
doors to thought closed
hope for the best

went wrong somewhere along the evolution path
force a smile; reeking evilness
moments of a gangster
action preceeding logic

rebel without a cause
sunset breeze and coastal high
clouds of depression forming along the bay
the laughing child will never know

make no sense of what i say
for tomorrow shall be another day
a day for fun a day for reason
where i shall not be hung for treason

i will defy you dammit whether you like it or not...

orange juice, lizards, rain and cognitive meltdowns

2004-12-16T04:20:00.000-08:00

so i sit here at 3:40 am in a near comatose state of existence. Sleep eludes me... it's funny how you feel sleepy when it's exam time or when a report is due the next morning but when you are relatively free or have nothing to do, sleep just... doesn't seem to come.

As I was lying down staring at my rather boring ceiling, cravings for orange juice seemed to be playing subconsciously. Thoughts about how small we are in the bigger scheme of the universe started seeping in. I started thinking about Douglas Adam's Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy... and about the answer 42. Profound don't you think?

Don't ask me why, but I suddenly remember a memory from the past where my friends once sat for almost an hour watching a lizard attempt to eat a fly... or a cockroach... or something like that. They sat, watched, gave running commentary as the lizard tried to get to the fly... only to end up fooled - the fly was on the other side of the glass window. This evoked alot of laughter and some zany discussions. Good times...

Yes, thats a boring story. On a slightly more interesting note, i saw Oceans 12... on a slightly less interesting note it wasn't as hot as the trailer portrayed it to be. mainly because it was as confusing as hell. and also they brought out some really silly stuff like Julia Roberts pretending to be - *gasp* Julia Roberts during an art gallery heist. But wait, I don't want to ruin it for you - watch it yourself. It's an ok flick (would help if you had a date with you incase you both get "bored")- lotsa style thanks to mr.clooney and the pitt man.

it rains alot in vancouver. Pitter patter all the time. The man without an umbrella here is a lost cause. Unless he/she's one of those im-siiiiiiinging-in-the-rain type people. But it still feels good to wake up in the morning and see the vancouver skyline with snow capped mountains in the background. Beautiful British Columbia... I think I've been spoilt living here. I don't think I can live in any other place now. oh well. not a bad thing to get spoilt.

I miss food. Good south indian food. Dosa,idli, sambar,chutney type food. When I go back home I will positively puke if someone offers me pizza. No thanks. Too much pizza for me. Anyway, as you can see I have nothing fascinating to write about here today. My computer kept freezing today - Bill Gates should pay me for this. Nonetheless, I think I'll sign off for tonight (morning technically) and hope that I can come up with something more creative in the day(s) to come...

I finally decided to go to LA these hols. Should be some fun.

vertigo - i don't care

2004-12-06T20:09:00.000-08:00

there is this inexplicable joy, almost sadistic pleasure which I get when I watch my life spin helplessly out of control. Embracing care free abandon while standing on the threshold of responsility... and listening to radiohead. Tip toeing gingerly on the fine line that separates hope and its anti-thesis. At a point where u are capable of making change, yet firmly rooted in a state of inertia. Something pulls you back. Virtual gravity. Perhaps I don't want to fix things. Perhaps it is the excuse I'm creating to change the course of my life. Too many options leave the mind boggled. Shut a few doors and choice becomes easier. Perception is complex. Life is complex. The stage in a persons life when they say they don't care anymore... that state of existence is bliss. It is probably the closest you will ever get to freedom. It is when you are at most peace with yourself...

My friends are specimens

2004-12-06T05:33:00.000-08:00

i have alot of friends. tonnes of aquaintances, loads of go-out-and-have-fun pals, and a very select group of close friends. I want to talk about 7 particularily good friends of mine. Any half baked psychologist/psychiatrist/counseller/zoologist/pest exterminator would refer to us as "specimens". We have trouble relating to the world. probably coz the world doesn't get us. We r intense people... in a weird way. Truly fascinating at that. Let me tell you more about my friends -

Specimen #1- Has his heart in the right place, but not his brain. Tends to be idealistic with moments of brilliance - unfortunately, lack of motivation prevents him from maintaining the brillaince. Looks at life from a mildly psychotic perspective. uses cold cream in the summer.

Specimen #2- Compared to the rest of us, specimen #2 isn't much of a specimen, but for uniformity sake i will refer to him as specimen. Probably the most mentally stable of the lot. Good news, bad news, terrible news, nothing makes a dent on this dude. Maintains a gruff exterior, with moments of hostility, but has a heart of gold. Revered in friend circles. His goal in life is to get a job so that he can get married by the age of 24. Apparently his sell by date is approaching which worries him no end. Not sure what he is doing, but doesn't care - he needs a job. Wears yellow and light blue striped boxers to college when lazy.

Specimen #3- Very intellegent chap. But freakin lazy. This is the kind of dude who would drop a piece of paper on the ground and not pick it up for an entire semester. Between eating and napping, he likes to prevent others from doing work. We suspect that his circle of friends poisoned his otherwise intelligent mind. Likes to sleep with his thumb in his mouth.

Specimen #4- Shy.Odd.Supremely intelligent. Lazy as hell. Sadly, here is another close pal of mine who is affected by laziness and lack of motivation. Big time. Has an awesome mind... if only he'd stop being an idealistic day dreamer. Gets touchy if your feet are within a 5 kms radius of his bed.

Specimen #5- Ahhh. No.5 is a classic member of our clan. A very intelligent guy, he is interested in just about everything. tends to be senstive. Once again, has a heart of gold. His curious nature makes him the perfect engineer, as well the perfect astrophysicist,philosopher, computer repairman, and jobless bum. He will plaster you with questions. yet you will never get tired of this guy coz he is an amazing person. Likes to run around super excited for no apparent reason.

Speciment #6- Kind of normal guy actually. Quite down to earth. Has changed tremendously over the last few years. Likes to project image of dumbness - trying to be like "one of the guys", but below the slacker, i am dumb image lies a hard working, determined guy trying to make it big in life. Don't believe him if he says that he's gonna fail. You might be surprised. Has a haircut once a week. or something like that.

Speciment #7- A very unique character. A lady killer, his escapades with women are legendary (not a legend atleast, hehe). Tends to do stupid things and will argue vehemently about how he isn't stupid. If only his knowledge of engineering can match his knowledge of music - he wud surely be the greatest engineer alive :). Which isnt saying he is dumb - the guy is very smart and can make it big if he puts his mind to it, just lacks motivation.Always figured he would do well in business and at people related jobs, though he isnt interested he says. He is a techno junkie, and puts my knowledge of tech stuff to shame. Has the croatian, estonian, and philipino top 20 charts at the tip of his fingers. (i didn't add his "profile" when i first made this blog. felt supremely bad about it. sorry buddy. never meant it that way)

last but not least,

specimen #8- myself. I am a chubby guy who isn't chubby anymore (fat boy slim). Grad school saw to that. I, like the other loungers am a mildly psychotic, occasionally idealistic, sometimes brilliant (most times not) , good looking (yeah right), lazy guy who is still searching for what he wants to do in life (yes i have no clue). I can vascillate from comp sci to finance to anthropology to polynesian studies in a matter of 1 day. I can be creative, I can be a lab nazi, i can be an msn slave. procrastination is what i do best. Yup. thats me. I sleep with my socks on.

vampire days

2004-12-03T21:55:00.000-08:00

sleep by day, work by night
nothnig worse than a vampire's plight

sharpen fangs n mind, as we hunt for food
forced to look hard for a typical dude

Blood curdling cries fill the air
just bit myself, in a moment of despair

hate this life - this world of death
would trade it all, for a breeze or fresh breath

he sits by his computer, coding away
looks of wisdom in a whimsical way

I approach cautiously, rehearsed and planned
lest i go and end up damned

The boy was fast, the talk was vast
But a vampire knows, to end it atlast

The boy whined, said im blind
but I'm a TA, I can change his mind

As I calculated my move, to get my groove
He sat perked, probably thinking i'm a jerk

I unleashed the final blow, to bring him low
To lose his face, without a trace

He looked at me, with absolutely no sympathy
Hoped to get me for this moment of misery

The sky was turning pale and the world was starting to fail
I needed to get back before I felt the nail

A vampire's job is never one to love
But things aren't better here above

I enter my lair, greetings are fair
Fellow vampires rest, as the world goes lest

Tomorrow is another day, 'Tis the time to sleep
For later we shall hunt for free food, and the urge to creep.

Note: dedicated to all those TAs who have had irritating experiences with pesky students asking dumb questions. I feel for you...

quasimodo

2004-12-02T14:41:00.000-08:00

Somehow making it on time has never been my thing. Had a presentation today. At 9:30. Not too early you might say. Sure. I always manage to add excitement to my life, whether I want to or not.
It's the last day, so we have to present our projects. My project has been glamourized, sexed up and blown out of proportion - thanks to my prof's involvement. Expectations are high. Caffeine levels higher. Power point presentation - check. Rehearsed speech - check. Looking presentable - check. Artifical smile and enthusiam - check...

Partner asks me night before - "9:30... you'll be there on time right?" Look of anxiety mildly amusing, then intimidating. "Yeah, i'll be there". Smiles all around. Sip coffee, pull up jacket sleeve hoping for elusive warmth. doesn't help.
Go home. Plan my schedule. Re-plan - forgot to add p.t (procrastination time). Schedule ver.2.0 loses relevance 5 minutes after creation. Desire to free myself from hunger creeps in. Only bread and can of baked beans left in the fridge. Use imagination. Finish eating imaginary 4 course dinner and get back to work. Hmmm, need to make fog to lose my dog- how do i create vertex arrays and multitexturing? Thoughts interrupted by phone call. Total time spent on thinking about the problem- 30 seconds. 40 minutes after pointless philosophical discussion about the meaning of life, creation of the universe and how we all deserve better, sense of panic sets in... vertex arrays...hmmm.

it's 12. need to sleep. presentation tomorrow at 9:30... maybe i'll take one teeny weeny peek at this darn program... borland C++ is a bitch. 3 am. Stupidity deja vu. Need to disconnect internet connection. Set alarm for 7:30 and go to bed...

8:15am- Wake up with heart in my mouth. C'mon man, I've done this before, it can't be that bad right? Wrong. Run, run,run. Damn shower is cold. Rehearse lines in the shower. Wonder what questions the mock venture capitalists will ask. Think about meeting later on in the day. Think about half done graphics project due tomorrow. Think about kirsten dunst. Focus...
8:45am- brilliant. I think I'll make it on time today after all. Leave the house, thinking about kirsten du- i mean presentation.
8:55- reach bus stop. feeling slightly bored. probably coz everyone there was looking downright depressed. Eat banana.
9:00-Bus coming round the road. Feeling good. Oh wait, two buses to UBC heading down the road - wow this is a first time. Put hand into my pocket to pull out wallet which contains bus pass... absense of wallet causes anxiety attack.
9:00-9:05- Anger.Desperation.Frustration.Swearing.Laughing. Low self esteem. Fear of project partners.More swearing. (Running all the while back home).
9:05-9:10-Praying and having heated conversation with god.
9:10- God cuts some slack. Bus pulls up as I get to the stop. Ask him politely to make driver go fast.
9:25-Bus arrives. Takes 10 minutes to my building from bus loop. Run like a mad fellow.
9:33-Enter room. Presentable appearance slightly altered. Partners fidgety.
9:40-10:05-Talk. Beautifully executed. I am happy with myself. Team mates do a fine job as well. Questions handled deftly.
11:00- coffee, early lunch and discussions about life and plans for holidays...fantasize ski slopes... realise that berry flavoured coffee isn't as good as it's cracked up to be.
1:00-meeting with advisor. fidget. do not keep legs still. Questions asked. Answers vague. Request to work harder.
1:30-Graphics beckons, so I start. Park my ass with a wishful heart.
2:00-Annoyed. Chat with friend. msn is evil.
2:30-wonder why they make eggnog only during christmas... come up with brilliant plan to start making eggnog through the year and make my millions, BWAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. wait - incoming email...
2:50-Desire to nap. Decide not to.
3:53- Wake up with a start, and realise that I'm late for a class. Run.
5:00-Realise that I would've been better off sleeping in the lab instead of sleeping in class. Atleast the seats are comfortable.
6:00-Coffee break. Meet friends outside computer science. Refreshing change. Thoughts of quitting comp sci and becoming a writer creep in.
6:30-What is ray tracing again?
6:33-decide to give up on assignment and get extension. net surfing time.
7:00- friend comes to lab. says he is stressed out. doesn't have time to do anything. sick of pulling all nighters. expects sympathy. gets none.
7:30- screw this algorithm. im gonna get dinner.
7:33-finish cursing algorithms.
8:00- after extensive mail checking and chatting, decide to go home and continue. tomorrow i promise to work harder. wait. i'll make a schedule.

...and so you get the gist of my day. The day of a grad student is never ok.