peeking

Eases himself gingerly upon his favourite chair - old and well worn. Places the writing board accross the chair and mumbles to himself...just for a second or three. Takes out his sheets of paper, his parker pen of 17 years - filled with his favourite brill navy blue ink. He fidgets about for a moment as he thinks about what needs to be done. A smile upon his wrinked brow as he hums a barely audible tune. Starts the writing, graceful and neat with his newspaper and filter kaapi by his side.
The little boy watches, peeking and piqued wondering what the lean and withered old man is upto. Looks of innocence, actions so mischevious the little boy watches with glee. It appears funny to him how everyday at 10 after his morning shower and prayers the old man sits down... to write (?!). The boy of 7, feels excited like he's a top secret spy... Til amma comes over and tells the boy to drink his horlicks and go play with the kids outside.
The little boy soon forgets and decides to indulge in a game of street cricket for 3. An hour later he comes, sweaty and beat hungry like lion the grouch.
The boy sees the old man again and decides to ask him "whats are you doing?". But Venky mama says "poi kulichitu vaa" and is distracted in vehement refusals. Slouches the boy disgruntled as he heads towards water and soap... suddenly, a moment of fun causes him to smile and mischevious thoughts seem to fill the mind.
Tip toes the little spy towards the wise one, and gently taps him. Old man turns to his left and then to his right and sees no one there. The boy pats himself on the back, thinks he outsmarted the fox, as he hears "deiiii, enna da panra!". The boy springs up, guffaws galore and the old man hugs him and gives him a toothless kiss. Ruffles his hair and talks so kind. The boys asks him, "what are you doing?", to which the old man says "nothing". Probes the boy till amma gets annoyed. To the land of soap and bubbles it is, for today is a big day. Everyday of the life of a 7 year is big. He will soon forget about the writings at the desk as he has more important things on his mind. But the old man smiles and continues his way, for we should always remember the best.
Many years later, a day to remember... the old man lies on his bed. People are grieving and it's all deceiving as his liver and kidney are giving away. The old man is sedated and everything is a blur, as he mixes the present with the past. He tells the boy no longer a boy, about the days of spyings and writings. The young man smiles now, memories unfold... 'twas really good times. It was a moment to reconnect... it's been many years and life has been weird, sadly no time to spend with the dying. He hugs his amma, and steps outside and wonders, "is it really worth crying?".

...dedicated to my grandpa. we had some good times together.

night swimming

back against the wall
tidings of shame and fear
doors to thought closed
hope for the best

went wrong somewhere along the evolution path
force a smile; reeking evilness
moments of a gangster
action preceeding logic

rebel without a cause
sunset breeze and coastal high
clouds of depression forming along the bay
the laughing child will never know

make no sense of what i say
for tomorrow shall be another day
a day for fun a day for reason
where i shall not be hung for treason

i will defy you dammit whether you like it or not...

orange juice, lizards, rain and cognitive meltdowns

so i sit here at 3:40 am in a near comatose state of existence. Sleep eludes me... it's funny how you feel sleepy when it's exam time or when a report is due the next morning but when you are relatively free or have nothing to do, sleep just... doesn't seem to come.

As I was lying down staring at my rather boring ceiling, cravings for orange juice seemed to be playing subconsciously. Thoughts about how small we are in the bigger scheme of the universe started seeping in. I started thinking about Douglas Adam's Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy... and about the answer 42. Profound don't you think?

Don't ask me why, but I suddenly remember a memory from the past where my friends once sat for almost an hour watching a lizard attempt to eat a fly... or a cockroach... or something like that. They sat, watched, gave running commentary as the lizard tried to get to the fly... only to end up fooled - the fly was on the other side of the glass window. This evoked alot of laughter and some zany discussions. Good times...

Yes, thats a boring story. On a slightly more interesting note, i saw Oceans 12... on a slightly less interesting note it wasn't as hot as the trailer portrayed it to be. mainly because it was as confusing as hell. and also they brought out some really silly stuff like Julia Roberts pretending to be - *gasp* Julia Roberts during an art gallery heist. But wait, I don't want to ruin it for you - watch it yourself. It's an ok flick (would help if you had a date with you incase you both get "bored")- lotsa style thanks to mr.clooney and the pitt man.

it rains alot in vancouver. Pitter patter all the time. The man without an umbrella here is a lost cause. Unless he/she's one of those im-siiiiiiinging-in-the-rain type people. But it still feels good to wake up in the morning and see the vancouver skyline with snow capped mountains in the background. Beautiful British Columbia... I think I've been spoilt living here. I don't think I can live in any other place now. oh well. not a bad thing to get spoilt.

I miss food. Good south indian food. Dosa,idli, sambar,chutney type food. When I go back home I will positively puke if someone offers me pizza. No thanks. Too much pizza for me. Anyway, as you can see I have nothing fascinating to write about here today. My computer kept freezing today - Bill Gates should pay me for this. Nonetheless, I think I'll sign off for tonight (morning technically) and hope that I can come up with something more creative in the day(s) to come...

I finally decided to go to LA these hols. Should be some fun.

vertigo - i don't care

there is this inexplicable joy, almost sadistic pleasure which I get when I watch my life spin helplessly out of control. Embracing care free abandon while standing on the threshold of responsility... and listening to radiohead. Tip toeing gingerly on the fine line that separates hope and its anti-thesis. At a point where u are capable of making change, yet firmly rooted in a state of inertia. Something pulls you back. Virtual gravity. Perhaps I don't want to fix things. Perhaps it is the excuse I'm creating to change the course of my life. Too many options leave the mind boggled. Shut a few doors and choice becomes easier. Perception is complex. Life is complex. The stage in a persons life when they say they don't care anymore... that state of existence is bliss. It is probably the closest you will ever get to freedom. It is when you are at most peace with yourself...

My friends are specimens

i have alot of friends. tonnes of aquaintances, loads of go-out-and-have-fun pals, and a very select group of close friends. I want to talk about 7 particularily good friends of mine. Any half baked psychologist/psychiatrist/counseller/zoologist/pest exterminator would refer to us as "specimens". We have trouble relating to the world. probably coz the world doesn't get us. We r intense people... in a weird way. Truly fascinating at that. Let me tell you more about my friends -

Specimen #1- Has his heart in the right place, but not his brain. Tends to be idealistic with moments of brilliance - unfortunately, lack of motivation prevents him from maintaining the brillaince. Looks at life from a mildly psychotic perspective. uses cold cream in the summer.

Specimen #2- Compared to the rest of us, specimen #2 isn't much of a specimen, but for uniformity sake i will refer to him as specimen. Probably the most mentally stable of the lot. Good news, bad news, terrible news, nothing makes a dent on this dude. Maintains a gruff exterior, with moments of hostility, but has a heart of gold. Revered in friend circles. His goal in life is to get a job so that he can get married by the age of 24. Apparently his sell by date is approaching which worries him no end. Not sure what he is doing, but doesn't care - he needs a job. Wears yellow and light blue striped boxers to college when lazy.

Specimen #3- Very intellegent chap. But freakin lazy. This is the kind of dude who would drop a piece of paper on the ground and not pick it up for an entire semester. Between eating and napping, he likes to prevent others from doing work. We suspect that his circle of friends poisoned his otherwise intelligent mind. Likes to sleep with his thumb in his mouth.

Specimen #4- Shy.Odd.Supremely intelligent. Lazy as hell. Sadly, here is another close pal of mine who is affected by laziness and lack of motivation. Big time. Has an awesome mind... if only he'd stop being an idealistic day dreamer. Gets touchy if your feet are within a 5 kms radius of his bed.

Specimen #5- Ahhh. No.5 is a classic member of our clan. A very intelligent guy, he is interested in just about everything. tends to be senstive. Once again, has a heart of gold. His curious nature makes him the perfect engineer, as well the perfect astrophysicist,philosopher, computer repairman, and jobless bum. He will plaster you with questions. yet you will never get tired of this guy coz he is an amazing person. Likes to run around super excited for no apparent reason.

Speciment #6- Kind of normal guy actually. Quite down to earth. Has changed tremendously over the last few years. Likes to project image of dumbness - trying to be like "one of the guys", but below the slacker, i am dumb image lies a hard working, determined guy trying to make it big in life. Don't believe him if he says that he's gonna fail. You might be surprised. Has a haircut once a week. or something like that.

Speciment #7- A very unique character. A lady killer, his escapades with women are legendary (not a legend atleast, hehe). Tends to do stupid things and will argue vehemently about how he isn't stupid. If only his knowledge of engineering can match his knowledge of music - he wud surely be the greatest engineer alive :). Which isnt saying he is dumb - the guy is very smart and can make it big if he puts his mind to it, just lacks motivation.Always figured he would do well in business and at people related jobs, though he isnt interested he says. He is a techno junkie, and puts my knowledge of tech stuff to shame. Has the croatian, estonian, and philipino top 20 charts at the tip of his fingers. (i didn't add his "profile" when i first made this blog. felt supremely bad about it. sorry buddy. never meant it that way)

last but not least,

specimen #8- myself. I am a chubby guy who isn't chubby anymore (fat boy slim). Grad school saw to that. I, like the other loungers am a mildly psychotic, occasionally idealistic, sometimes brilliant (most times not) , good looking (yeah right), lazy guy who is still searching for what he wants to do in life (yes i have no clue). I can vascillate from comp sci to finance to anthropology to polynesian studies in a matter of 1 day. I can be creative, I can be a lab nazi, i can be an msn slave. procrastination is what i do best. Yup. thats me. I sleep with my socks on.

vampire days

sleep by day, work by night
nothnig worse than a vampire's plight

sharpen fangs n mind, as we hunt for food
forced to look hard for a typical dude

Blood curdling cries fill the air
just bit myself, in a moment of despair

hate this life - this world of death
would trade it all, for a breeze or fresh breath

he sits by his computer, coding away
looks of wisdom in a whimsical way

I approach cautiously, rehearsed and planned
lest i go and end up damned

The boy was fast, the talk was vast
But a vampire knows, to end it atlast

The boy whined, said im blind
but I'm a TA, I can change his mind

As I calculated my move, to get my groove
He sat perked, probably thinking i'm a jerk

I unleashed the final blow, to bring him low
To lose his face, without a trace

He looked at me, with absolutely no sympathy
Hoped to get me for this moment of misery

The sky was turning pale and the world was starting to fail
I needed to get back before I felt the nail

A vampire's job is never one to love
But things aren't better here above

I enter my lair, greetings are fair
Fellow vampires rest, as the world goes lest

Tomorrow is another day, 'Tis the time to sleep
For later we shall hunt for free food, and the urge to creep.


Note: dedicated to all those TAs who have had irritating experiences with pesky students asking dumb questions. I feel for you...

quasimodo

Somehow making it on time has never been my thing. Had a presentation today. At 9:30. Not too early you might say. Sure. I always manage to add excitement to my life, whether I want to or not.
It's the last day, so we have to present our projects. My project has been glamourized, sexed up and blown out of proportion - thanks to my prof's involvement. Expectations are high. Caffeine levels higher. Power point presentation - check. Rehearsed speech - check. Looking presentable - check. Artifical smile and enthusiam - check...

Partner asks me night before - "9:30... you'll be there on time right?" Look of anxiety mildly amusing, then intimidating. "Yeah, i'll be there". Smiles all around. Sip coffee, pull up jacket sleeve hoping for elusive warmth. doesn't help.
Go home. Plan my schedule. Re-plan - forgot to add p.t (procrastination time). Schedule ver.2.0 loses relevance 5 minutes after creation. Desire to free myself from hunger creeps in. Only bread and can of baked beans left in the fridge. Use imagination. Finish eating imaginary 4 course dinner and get back to work. Hmmm, need to make fog to lose my dog- how do i create vertex arrays and multitexturing? Thoughts interrupted by phone call. Total time spent on thinking about the problem- 30 seconds. 40 minutes after pointless philosophical discussion about the meaning of life, creation of the universe and how we all deserve better, sense of panic sets in... vertex arrays...hmmm.

it's 12. need to sleep. presentation tomorrow at 9:30... maybe i'll take one teeny weeny peek at this darn program... borland C++ is a bitch. 3 am. Stupidity deja vu. Need to disconnect internet connection. Set alarm for 7:30 and go to bed...

8:15am- Wake up with heart in my mouth. C'mon man, I've done this before, it can't be that bad right? Wrong. Run, run,run. Damn shower is cold. Rehearse lines in the shower. Wonder what questions the mock venture capitalists will ask. Think about meeting later on in the day. Think about half done graphics project due tomorrow. Think about kirsten dunst. Focus...
8:45am- brilliant. I think I'll make it on time today after all. Leave the house, thinking about kirsten du- i mean presentation.
8:55- reach bus stop. feeling slightly bored. probably coz everyone there was looking downright depressed. Eat banana.
9:00-Bus coming round the road. Feeling good. Oh wait, two buses to UBC heading down the road - wow this is a first time. Put hand into my pocket to pull out wallet which contains bus pass... absense of wallet causes anxiety attack.
9:00-9:05- Anger.Desperation.Frustration.Swearing.Laughing. Low self esteem. Fear of project partners.More swearing. (Running all the while back home).
9:05-9:10-Praying and having heated conversation with god.
9:10- God cuts some slack. Bus pulls up as I get to the stop. Ask him politely to make driver go fast.
9:25-Bus arrives. Takes 10 minutes to my building from bus loop. Run like a mad fellow.
9:33-Enter room. Presentable appearance slightly altered. Partners fidgety.
9:40-10:05-Talk. Beautifully executed. I am happy with myself. Team mates do a fine job as well. Questions handled deftly.
11:00- coffee, early lunch and discussions about life and plans for holidays...fantasize ski slopes... realise that berry flavoured coffee isn't as good as it's cracked up to be.
1:00-meeting with advisor. fidget. do not keep legs still. Questions asked. Answers vague. Request to work harder.
1:30-Graphics beckons, so I start. Park my ass with a wishful heart.
2:00-Annoyed. Chat with friend. msn is evil.
2:30-wonder why they make eggnog only during christmas... come up with brilliant plan to start making eggnog through the year and make my millions, BWAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. wait - incoming email...
2:50-Desire to nap. Decide not to.
3:53- Wake up with a start, and realise that I'm late for a class. Run.
5:00-Realise that I would've been better off sleeping in the lab instead of sleeping in class. Atleast the seats are comfortable.
6:00-Coffee break. Meet friends outside computer science. Refreshing change. Thoughts of quitting comp sci and becoming a writer creep in.
6:30-What is ray tracing again?
6:33-decide to give up on assignment and get extension. net surfing time.
7:00- friend comes to lab. says he is stressed out. doesn't have time to do anything. sick of pulling all nighters. expects sympathy. gets none.
7:30- screw this algorithm. im gonna get dinner.
7:33-finish cursing algorithms.
8:00- after extensive mail checking and chatting, decide to go home and continue. tomorrow i promise to work harder. wait. i'll make a schedule.

...and so you get the gist of my day. The day of a grad student is never ok.